busy… busy… busy

Thought of the Day

Life is a jigsaw

Maybe Mistaken

Maybe I have been mistaken. It feels great to be able to doubt the possibilities… but it is kinda making me feel like shit that I thought of possibilities… I am actually feeling sort of guilty about thinking that way now

I do seriously believe that there was more going on a month ago than there is now…. or she is doing a better job of hiding it…. I do not know. I hate feeling like this.

All of this hurts either way now….

Secrets

I do not know how I should think or feel about everything…

Everything seems better than it has ever been, if I try to block out the secrets… Is that what I am seriously supposed to do? Pretend everything is fine? Pretend that I do not know anything? Pretend nothing can bother me?

I guess the bad thing about secrets is that I do not fully know the extent of them. i do not know how serious they are or how far and deep they go. Theres an old saying: what you don’t know won’t hurt you… The problem is, I worry if it would hurt if I did know… And I kind of do not want to find out…

I suppose the only way to avoid that or any more of this, is to totally avoid the chance… Maybe leave. Once and for all.

I guess I could have done more to figure out more. I could have keylogged the computer, but I was afraid of what I would find. I could have recovered logins and passwords, but again I was afraid of what I would see. Thank God that I can’t do anything with the phone, as I seriously believe that is now my deepest attacker. I also believe photos on the work computer would open light to a few things I do not know.

The bad thing is: I do not want to fully find out, but I do not want to even have to worry about it all together…. I should not have to worry about these things.

So what exactly are the problems?

• I walk by and she minimizes everything on the computer screen
• I know she sometimes goes out after work
• I have good reason to suspect she is not always alone at work
• She has lied to me for a month just to hide details of a party she hosted
• Sometimes she doesnt lie… She just doesnt tell me things… That is the same as a lie… Secret initiative.
• Text messaging seems to be highly active these days

Any more it feels like she comes home to play the part, and leaves me totally clueless to what I don’t know. She has been ultimately nice the last couple of days… but secretive too, net and phone wise. I know there is a party Friday, but she has not said a thing. She does not want me there, and I wonder if it is because it would be damaging to her or damaging to me.

I dont see how she can go on like this… She has said she does love me but is not in love with me. But I think she doesn’t even try. It is kind of hard to be in love with me when she has so much other opportunity and alternatives. Even if she loved me at all, she would not put me through this shit.

I am getting so tired of everything, and I do not even feel like mentioning how I feel anymore.

Replaced by Home Site

Greets to all.  I have replaced this blog with a full site

http://caseyandrews.net

Long Term Absense

I suppose it has been a long time since I have updated anything here…. Now being the first time since September, and much has taken place since then.

Me and Lindsey are together. I would say that this has been since December for the most part. I replaced her engagement ring, that has been long lost. We do still have issues, new issues, things I never thought would be a problem. We also share something entirely new and un-desired (but I will not got in to exact details about that one).

But for the most part, everything is great    I am here. She is here. The kids are here. And I would be as bold to say things are more stable and better than they ever have been.

For the most part I have been clean. I do still drink every once in a while, but handle much better now, but have had a coupe of bad spells (but not near as bad as the ones I used to have all of the time). Medications are non-existant problems now (that was the source of most of my problems for such a long time).

* Sigh *

I am content with the way everything is, for the most part. I stay at home and take care of the kids, while still doing computer and web work (without much success thanks to the ever failing economy). When I am not attending to the kids or tech projects, I hop on the net or the 360. Actually, I spend more time toying with my personal web sites than playing my Xbox.

I am thinking of writing and recording again. I have a super computer (AMD Phenom x4 @ 2.6 GHz + 4 GB of Memory) and a brand new guitar. I feel like a burn out after I play a little while, but I think I would want to do it more, the more I do it.

Life is so full of uncertainties. I am living what I thought just last year would be the impossible. I was bombing myself even worse this time last year, feeling that I could never rise above or overcome all that used to be.

Well, I think that sums up my absence report….