As of lately I feel that all of my feelings are being tested by means of resistance…
Not by the one I truly feel for, but the others that surround us.
I do not understand why so many are out to ruin us. It does sadden me, but I must learn to be able to cut those negative ties and not let it get to me too much.
All in all, I do miss feeling open to express myself 
Holding feelings does not feel well.
It has been a long time since I’ve posted here.
In brief: everything has changed.
Maybe I have been mistaken. It feels great to be able to doubt the possibilities… but it is kinda making me feel like shit that I thought of possibilities… I am actually feeling sort of guilty about thinking that way now
I do seriously believe that there was more going on a month ago than there is now…. or she is doing a better job of hiding it…. I do not know. I hate feeling like this.
All of this hurts either way now….
I do not know how I should think or feel about everything…
Everything seems better than it has ever been, if I try to block out the secrets… Is that what I am seriously supposed to do? Pretend everything is fine? Pretend that I do not know anything? Pretend nothing can bother me?
I guess the bad thing about secrets is that I do not fully know the extent of them. i do not know how serious they are or how far and deep they go. Theres an old saying: what you don’t know won’t hurt you… The problem is, I worry if it would hurt if I did know… And I kind of do not want to find out…
I suppose the only way to avoid that or any more of this, is to totally avoid the chance… Maybe leave. Once and for all.
I guess I could have done more to figure out more. I could have keylogged the computer, but I was afraid of what I would find. I could have recovered logins and passwords, but again I was afraid of what I would see. Thank God that I can’t do anything with the phone, as I seriously believe that is now my deepest attacker. I also believe photos on the work computer would open light to a few things I do not know.
The bad thing is: I do not want to fully find out, but I do not want to even have to worry about it all together…. I should not have to worry about these things.
So what exactly are the problems?
Any more it feels like she comes home to play the part, and leaves me totally clueless to what I don’t know. She has been ultimately nice the last couple of days… but secretive too, net and phone wise. I know there is a party Friday, but she has not said a thing. She does not want me there, and I wonder if it is because it would be damaging to her or damaging to me.
I dont see how she can go on like this… She has said she does love me but is not in love with me. But I think she doesn’t even try. It is kind of hard to be in love with me when she has so much other opportunity and alternatives. Even if she loved me at all, she would not put me through this shit.
I am getting so tired of everything, and I do not even feel like mentioning how I feel anymore.
